Written by: Mariam Ibrahim
- “They aren’t going to change. I’d be wasting my breath.”
As an outspoken woman of colour I understand this sentiment well. As much as I want to be optimistic, as much as I want to believe everyone is capable of change, that we can take everyone with us on our path to liberation, I know this is not reality. We can’t exactly drag people kicking and screaming for this particular process. People will insist upon their habits, their biases, beliefs, their hate. You can do your best to replace the fun-house mirror reflection they’ve constructed to hold up to themselves and the world to a more honest one, but sometimes, it isn’t enough. And in this role of activist, it’s important to know where to direct your energy. People get better at knowing who is beyond enlightenment and who just needs more time and direction as they have more and more of these conversations. But, that isn’t an excuse not to try when it’s difficult.
- “Oh yeah my family is kinda racist…”
What does that have to do with me? Are you warning me? Are they coming here for me? I have had so many white people readily announce to me the racism prevalent in their family whether immediate or extended. Not to have a conversation about how to reach those of another generation, but just to… mention it. It’s like mentioning it, mentioning that it is their family with a tone of displeasure is enough to let me know they aren’t racist. Like they expect me or want me to assume that they are in fact, progressive, antiracist, that they did the work of overcoming their environment and now they’re for BIPOC liberation. The fact they’re able to recognize grandpa’s rants on how Arabs are a threat to Canadians are based in racism and not reality should be enough to prove all that.
- “Oh. Have you tried to talk to them about it at all?”
Refer back to one. And when I prompt them further, I normally find they have not tried to engage. This white person is unwilling to engage in anything that has the potential to result in a headache to help BIPOC out. That means they are probably unwilling to do much to actually be antiracist. The desire to avoid discomfort is greater than the desire to create change, particularly when they have no personal stake. Time and again, people have proven that bias is not something that exists benignly isolated in a person’s mind, but it informs the way they live, their actions, and when all systems are in your favor and against those you hold bias against, you likely contribute greatly to that groups experience. When people are unwilling to have difficult conversations with their loved ones, to recognize that this place of love can be a primed starting point for changing someone’s mind, and do not take this opportunity, BIPOC suffer. White people can choose to disengage, choose to not have this conversation or confront a family member’s racism precisely due to their whiteness. They don’t have to deal with the tail end, the consequences of this person’s actions. But that doesn’t mean BIPOC don’t either. I am often left to wonder if they have even thought that far ahead, if they have considered the impact, the damage their family member could be doing to a community with which they claim to have solidarity. Oftentimes, there seems to be a disconnect between their family’s beliefs and the impact of those beliefs. This is what it means to passively allow violence.
White people pick and choose when to engage in allyship. In refusing to even attempt to engage in these conversations, they pick what causes are worth the headache, and position themselves as experts on who has the capacity to change and who cannot, when they often have engaged in very few conversations of this sort with people who disagree.
I’m not saying get into a screaming match with your stubborn relative. But don’t pretend you’d ride or die for the cause, for your fellow people, when you won’t take risks out of untested assumptions and aversions to discomfort. If you’re going to pick the easy option, don’t pick up the label of “ally.”
QWOCC 