Written by: Dalyah Schiarizza

Navigating dating and romantic relationships has not been easy for me growing up. Throughout middle school and high school, I didn’t have many boyfriends or talking stages, so this is not my area of sheer expertise. I often thought that the boys in my grade never liked me because I was mixed, I stood out a lot from the white girls in my class, and chances were that was the case. Obviously, that was not the easiest thing for a 14 year old Dalyah to handle– watching everyone else have crushes and boyfriends was not always fun to see. It took a lot of reconciling with my younger self to realize that being with someone who embraces you is the bare minimum… the absolute bare minimum. 

In high school, I was in a relationship (from grades 9-11) ; this was my first relationship, but it was also a very toxic one. I accepted a lot of things I shouldn’t have because I didn’t know that love was not supposed to be difficult. I barely knew what love was supposed to look like. So, I have lived through and walked away from somethings I did not deserve or need, and so that has inspired most of the advice I give now. The other source of advice comes from my experiences in my current relationship, one that is the stark opposite from the toxic and deformed meaning of love I was used to. I’d like to call my following pieces of advice for dating as a woman of colour, “Red Flags and Green Lights.” These are all the things I have learned to look out for and embrace when dating and navigating relationships. 

Red Flags 

For this section, I want to provide more than just some general red flags that we should be actively recognizing and avoiding when looking for partners. So, these red flags are based on my own experiences in dating, some of these I overlooked, but I caught on to most quite quickly. 

“You look better like this.” – When this happened to me, it was my high school boyfriend saying I was prettier when my hair was straight than when it was curly. Even though this seems light-hearted in nature, obviously for anyone with curly or Black hair, it runs a lot deeper. Black hair is hard to navigate, especially for someone who did not grow up around Black women to teach me how. I would straighten my hair since it was easier to manage and made me feel like I didn’t stand out as much. So embracing my natural hair has always been difficult, even though I’d like to. It’s hard because I haven’t been able to make it work for me. For someone who’s just 15 years old, having any part of themselves that they don’t like is difficult, but hearing someone else agree with that hurts much more. It was hurtful in the sense that the person I was with didn’t like me for my natural self and that obviously influenced my perception of my curly hair. After realizing how that is not something I want in a partner, I now make a valiant effort to have whomever I am seeing spend time with see me with my natural hair. I also now prioritize having my potential partners experience me in my natural spaces, such as with my family and friends, or without putting a huge effort into my appearance. This will protect me from having those interactions again and also prevent me from wasting my time on someone who has superficial intentions and values. 

The Caramel Preference – I had met a guy on a dating app once and I had mentioned that my friends and I made a confetti cake. He then told me that he personally had a preference for caramel. Now, I recognized this as an immediate act of fetishization and called him out on it. The response I got was that he was definitely talking about cake and I made the idiotic mistake of believing him despite my better judgement. Now this is an obvious red flag, but I was also reassured that his comment was not fetishizing me. Deep down I had that strong feeling that I was being fetishized, but I also had this accompanying guilt of being “too harsh” and “unforgiving.” Now how I prevent this guilt and trust my instinct is by looking into the future. Would I really be happy with someone for whom I check all of the physical appearance boxes? Would I be happy with someone who looks at me like some exotic prize? Obviously not, so now I know better and cut it off immediately because I know this won’t serve me for a long period of time. 

“I do make jokes, you’d just find them offensive.” – This is alarming because I simply asked this guy about his humour and what he enjoys. I noticed some sexist and racist tones in this comment that make it stand out even more. This comment seems to be building off of the notion of me being sensitive (because I’m a girl) or me being too serious (because I’m Black). I don’t want a partner that has these preconceived notions about me, notions that are not even true. I like to have “negotiables” and “non-negotiables” when it comes to traits in potential boyfriends. For example, being with someone who is anti-racist and openminded are things I won’t negotiate on. I am fighting the guilt of “maybe he just doesn’t know better,” and deciding to back away from a situation that will eventually hurt me. 

It wasn’t easy backing away from these situations, part of me was always willing to overlook these red flags in hope that they will change. It is hard turning my back on these potential somethings, especially when I’ve never had an abundance of it. The ability to say “no” and choosing to distance myself are hard things to learn and do, but they’re some of the best choices I could’ve made for my self worth and confidence. 

Green Lights 

Now we are on to the happier and lighter part of the post, the green lights. These are some signs that I’ve recently been exposed to that completely reassure me that these relationships have strong foundations. I say recently because these green lights are new to me, but have never left me with bad impressions or stood out as alarming to the people around me. 

They’re willing to learn and listen. – I have emphasized the importance of not carrying the burden of educating others on issues regarding racism and/or sexism. So this green light may sound a bit hypocritical, but I promise it is not. It’s a green light when your partner is willing to listen and validate your experiences, and from there, they learn more about what it means to be supportive. For some of us, we have things that bother us because of our experiences as women of colour. In my case, it’s very irritating when people play with my natural hair because it’s “poofy” and look at me like I’m some fascinating, mythical creature. I told my boyfriend this when I started focusing more on my natural hair and that led to some conversations about how I and other multiracial people experience fetishization and are looked at like exotic creatures. He listened to my experiences and knowledge and was able to learn about something that plays a prevalent role in my life. 

They’re supportive of your identity and culture exploration and celebration. – As women of colour living, working and learning in primarily white spaces, we sometimes lack or lose connections to our identities and cultures. I’ve been very open about my identity exploration and journey, which has not been an easy thing to navigate. I learn about my identity through my writing, the content I consume, and meeting other women of colour. These journeys can be difficult to embark on because we’re engaging in non-white or non-Western traditions, which can lead to harassment, ostracism, and racism. It’s so important to prioritize having a partner who is supportive of you during your self journey. Realistically, it would be weird to have a partner who did not support your culture and the things you do to learn more about yourself. For me, it would be weird if the person I was with didn’t care to read my writing or even ask about it. 

They embrace, understand, but don’t obsess. – Our positionality as women of colour are important parts of who we are, to ourselves and to how the outside world sees us. This means potential partners also are immediately aware or soon learn about this aspect of ourselves. In my experience, it is a good sign when they embrace what it means for you to be a woman of colour, such as rejecting Western and Eurocentric beauty standards, or sharing aspects of your culture with them. It is important that they understand some of the challenges we face as women of colour, like racial profiling or stereotyping. Both embracing and understanding are crucial, but any potential partner should not make a big deal of it, since this starts to cross the line into fetishization. They should contribute to making the relationship a safe space for you to be yourself fully, but not become fixated on you being a woman of colour. The obsession with your racial identity can be dehumanizing, and the least we all deserve is to be seen and respected as human beings. It would be a huge red flag if my boyfriend ever said I was his “mixed girlfriend” or any variation of the phrase signifying my race in that manner. There’s a huge difference if he was explaining to someone that I’m half Black so I’m trying to learn recipes that I often ate when I lived in North Carolina. Ultimately, when a potential partner embraces and understands your identity as a woman of colour, without it becoming the main thing they see you as, it’s a green light. 

This is not a completed list of red flags and green lights when it comes to navigating dating and relationships. These are some of the most noticeable from my experiences, but I imagine over time I will have more stories to share. Dating as a human being is pretty challenging, as women of colour, we have so much more to worry about. We have to think about whether potential partners are racist, sexist or have hateful beliefs that could put us in serious danger. So, my final piece of advice to you is to stand your ground and trust your intuition, you know best!

Written by: Anonymous

The 2021 fall semester was my very first experience at university. As a first year student, the new university environment was an overwhelming but enjoyable experience. Throughout the semester, there were most definitely fluctuations with my mental health, and understanding these fluctuations early in the semester allowed me to adjust and develop coping strategies and resources to assist me throughout the semester. I will be sharing these methods and experiences anonymously to help incoming or current Queen’s students. I will be separating my mental health experience into 3 sections, academics, food & lifestyle, and social life.

Firstly, in the scope of academics, when individuals discuss stress and mental health they often link school and academics as the leading cause. Personally, it definitely is a contributing factor to stress and a weight on my mental health. However, I view it as temporary. There are high stress periods of time, such as before midterm and final exams, however, I found that having well established study routines and a supportive group of friends was helpful in minimizing detrimental mental health impacts from academics. I’m sure that you have heard the usual tips of using weekly planners, finding studying locations, using course resources, and studying in groups. Personally, during the most stressful periods of time I would spread out studying throughout the day and allot time for collaborative and independent studying. One particular time before final exams I was feeling extremely anxious and it felt as if there was a never ending to-do list, and the fear of not performing well on the exams and wasting all the effort from the semester. During these times, I feel the most home-sick and calling my family was comforting but emotional as well. I believe that engaging with what makes you feel at home and safe is a great way to destress and reset the mind, especially when it feels like it is failing you.

Next I will be discussing the lifestyle impacts on my mental health, and why I believe that this was the most important factor. I mentioned before that the mental health impacts associated with academics were temporary. However, lifestyle habits are long term. Nutrition, exercise, sleeping schedule and experiences with mindful breathing are what I will be sharing. Firstly, coming to university and having a meal plan, my eating habits had to adjust to the food being given to me. SinceI struggled with eating disorders, sudden changes to food were difficult. It was important for me to dedicate time to get food and I found the nutritional information across Queen’s dining services a useful tool. My overall goal was to get 3 meals everyday, however, throughout the last semester my sleeping schedule would cause me to wake up late and skip breakfast daily. I found that sleeping and waking up late had negative affects on my lifestyle habits which reflected on my mental health. Overall, I had less energy and motivation and felt anxious from running out of time during the day. In November, I began setting a goal of sleeping before midnight and waking up before 9:30 to go to gym. Setting a destination in the morning motivated me to wake up and remain dedicated to this goal. Not to mention, allotting time for exercise was extremely beneficial for my mental health and helped me fall asleep at night.

Finally, I will be discussing the social components of university and how important it is for our mental health. As an incoming student to a new environment it is very easy to feel lonely and not having made enough connections and friendships. It is important to balance social life and academic life to prevent burnout and maintain joy throughout stressful times. Not to mention, studying in groups can be extremely motivating and beneficial. I believe that social media has been a great method of meeting new people, however, at certain times it is difficult to take the leap of meeting people from social media in person. Overall, I am an extremely social individual that loves to meet new people and be surrounded with people at all times. On the outside, this may seem like a great character trait, it makes me prone to loneliness because I get anxious about the idea of independence. As a result, the feeling of missing out (FOMO) is a large component to my social decisions. A majority of the time I felt supported with friends, however, at some times it felt like the connections that I made were not enough or not strong enough. At the moment, I don’t have a solution to this because making connections and friendships takes time, patience, and trust.

Written by: Shayla Joshi

Love. 

I believe love is the greatest thing we have. It knows no boundaries, no barriers, no rules. Love is what holds us all together. 

I think there’s a misconception that love is just romantic. The idea that love is something exclusive alluding to only a figment of “the one” is completely false. 

Love is platonic, parental, and self-oriented to name a few. Love is all around us. 

We receive love in mysterious and magical ways. Love is hidden in the little things around us. Our friends, families, and ourselves. 

We are enveloped in love from others but more importantly we have the capacity of enveloping ourselves. More often than not we forget how to love ourselves. The idea of self-love has become conflated with baths, candles and warm lighting. And though all of these things are forms of self-love for some people (myself included), they are not exclusive ideals. Loving yourself can look like a nap, going on a walk or calling a friend. Self-love is taking the time to do things that recharge you- the things that sustain you and keep you going. 

In every aspect of our lives, whether we notice it or not, we are surrounded by love. Simply by having people who care for us, and by caring for ourselves, we are loved. Love does not fit any template, nor is it one size fits all. Love is adaptable; it comes from where we need it most, when we need it most. 

We are not only capable of giving love to others, but we can give it to ourselves. We can radically accept it from those who care for us, both unconscious and consciously. Whether we accept it or not, we are all deserving of love in every shape and form. 

And before you label me a hopeless romantic (which I definitely am), I do not look at the world exclusively through rose coloured glasses. Bad things happen around us everyday and I recognize that. There are many heartbreaking and uncomfortable truths looming over our heads on a daily basis. But, instead of focusing on those bad things, I focus on the fact that despite it all, we are still here- loving and being loved. 

Written by: Mehak Narula

Being a woman of colour already has many challenges, and mental health is one of them. Coming from an Indian immigrant household, mental health is something that isn’t talked about at all. The suppression of this conversation made me feel very confused with how to tackle my mental health, to the point where even when I was with my family, I felt alone.

Ever since I started high school, I became depressed. At that point of being a teenager, I didn’t even understand my own emotions or what depression was until I started researching and realizing that there’s a term for it. Every single ‘symptom’ was what I felt, and I felt so seen.

Unfortunately, things with my mental health started going downhill when I started talking about my mental health and my internal struggles to my parents – to the point where I felt so alone that I didn’t even want to come home some days. And I told them that. They began to tell me that what I’m feeling is just ‘hormones’ and part of ‘being a teenager’. Everything I was feeling, according to my parents, was ‘just a mood swing’.

It’s been 6 years since that conversation, and I remember it oh-so vividly. As you can tell, it wasn’t a mood swing. And because I didn’t get the proper support when I needed it, it felt like my depression got worse. Now, as a 21-year-old WOC in University, I have self-esteem issues, I’m afraid to open up, and I don’t know how to express my emotions properly because I’m afraid of what will be said to me.

This internal battle, I’m sure, is something that a lot of WOC face. Comparatively, my white peers are able to easily access resources once they realize something is wrong. For me, when I realized I needed therapy, it felt so taboo – to the point where I feel like I have to sneakily find a way to go to therapy without my parents finding out. It’s really hard to get the help I need when my parents won’t engage in mental health discourse.

Now that I’m in University and beginning to learn more about myself, I’ve realized that my mental health is valid. And therapy doesn’t necessarily need to be the be-all and end-all of changing the way you do things. Having exposure to clubs and mental-health initiatives allowed me to realize that change (no matter how drastic) comes from within – and best of all, it has reminded me that I’m not alone. Especially as a WOC.

I feel so seen.