The colour of my skin never bothered me. I grew up in India, melanin was never a racial issue. I grew up with a healthy dose of art and culture around me, female artists were rare, but their unique attribute of being a woman of colour in art never occurred to me until I opened my eyes to the global environment. So what does it mean to be a woman of colour in art?
The world of art is separate from our realities. In art, we have access to experiences from across the globe, representation of joys and successes, trials and tribulations, the basic experiences and the unique ones. Art is not about capturing the most ubiquitous of emotions. It is about welcoming communities who are unknown to the artists’ and giving them a glimpse into their world. If we name the most widely known artists and musicians, a picture begins to form. This picture is missing a global perspective, where 50% of the population, regardless of race, have not been included. It is a picture where WOC face a paucity of representation. But this is our new world and we refuse to be shunned. Although being a WOC continues to be a struggle, more and more are finding their niche, allowing the global platform to look up and take notice of what it means to be a WOC.
It is amazing for young people of colour to see the rise of WOC in art with exhibitions in some of the most influential contemporary art museums and galleries. These WOC are empowering budding artists everywhere with their ingenuity and usage of various media for their creative pursuits. Jordan Casteel’s work highlights men of colour and portray them in a different light, creating an image outside of common stereotypes. Jamea Richmond-Edwards’ work is influenced by the drug addiction problems she witnessed in her family; additionally she uses her work to change the female narrative. Mequitta Ahuja creates paintings with herself as the central subject, surrounded by African-American and Southeast Asian icons, to represent her roots. Eboay G. Patterson is a Jamaican artist who depicts the crimes of youths of colour in a different light, that focuses on reclaiming the narrative. In our modern society, artists have multiple platforms to display their art. Social media is a magnificent platform for WOC artists to gain not just visualization, but also influence the masses with their work. Genesis Tramaine paints intricate abstract portraits, bringing together devotional and familial influences, especially the women who raised her. Gabriella Sanchez’s beautifully chaotic art illustrates her Mexican-American identity. Hiba Schahbaz was born and raised in Pakistan and her art is widely influenced by Indo-Persian components, which she uses to explore the female form. Daniela Rojas creates arousing and bizarre futuristic images, using religious and indigenous iconography. WOC continue to make massive strides in their areas of expertise across the world. As artists, they are impelling budding artists to not be afraid and showcase their work. We need WOC to have the platform to highlight the dialogue on what it means to be a WOC and to encourage the younger generation that they are not alone. Because all art matters!
When I was in middle school, we had the privilege of picking out our graduating class’s most influential role model of the year. We had narrowed it down to: Nelson Mandela, Bill Nye, Lebron James, Barack Obama, Malala Yousafzai and Lizzie Velasquez. We had to cast our votes the next day and that night, I researched everything I could about the two women role models in the list. I couldn’t pick just one, they were both role models to me. Both of them make me feel seen, inspired and motivated to do better. Mala Yousafzai resisted conforming to society’s expectations and fought for girl’s education. Lizzie Velasquez spoke up about being proud of who you are and loving yourself. How could I only pick one? In the end my dilemma didn’t matter, Lebron James won by a long shot. However, this activity stuck with me for years.
There is no such thing as one role model. We are inspired by thousands of people in our lifetime.
As long as there are people who deny change, there will be people in opposition. Progress cannot be defined by the people that accept change, but rather, by the people that fought their lives and careers to change the world. These fighters of change and justice are who I consider to be role models.
As a woman of colour, I often found myself searching as much as I could about women similar to me; women I could look up to. They could just be women living their lives, but to me and thousands of other women of colour, they’re an inspiration. They show us that we are not bound by limitations imposed on us by the stereotypes in society. As much as I would like to ignore it, women of colour are often limited by these stereotypes and it is really hard to overcome them. We are too outspoken, too soft spoken, we’re too angry or not angry enough. We can’t just ignore them but overcoming them is an achievement in itself. Women in the workplace bring forth diversity in workspaces and push forth social change. Seeing women of colour excelling at their jobs gives others a sense of hope and the realization that they can do whatever they want to.
Take in Katherine Johnson. She, along with her colleagues Mary Jackson, and Dorothy Vaughan were some of the first Black women to work as NASA. They were crucial to America’s success in having the first astronaut orbit the Earth. In being women of colour who contributed to America’s success they diversified NASA and showed thousands of other women that they too could be astronauts. In the present, 30% of NASA’s 35% women employees are WOC.
Role models are instrumental in change and inspiration. When I think of a role model, I not only see myself in them, but I see my potential. When I think of South Asian environmentalist Vandana Shiva, I don’t only recognize her impact in environmental policy and her efforts in the anti-globalization movement. Her success in fighting for environmental rights and fighting for anti-GMOs shows me that that change doesn’t have one face. Anyone could lead the effort for change, including people who look like me.
Sometimes reality is the absolute worst, but it’s our reality. In this society, I know I am not the beauty standard. I don’t have all those most desirable Eurocentric features, and I have no control over that. As much as I don’t push those standards onto myself or anyone else, that doesn’t make them go away in other contexts and situations in life. I start this article with the negatives because it’s true, and I want to be as honest with you as possible in this new writer/reader relationship we find ourselves in. Now, because I am honest with you, I’m also going to tell you this: YOU ARE SO GORGEOUS! I know it can sometimes be hard to believe because of our society and the societal restrictions placed on our bodies, but you are so beautiful. I struggled for a long time with accepting my appearance because those Eurocentric beauty standards found their way deep into my mind and heart. So I eventually decided that I was tired of their presence in my life, so I went after them and killed them. They are dead and gone in my mind and life, and now I want to share with you how I did it.
Since we’re building this relationship on the grounds of honesty, I’ll be so for real with you right now and say this was not an overnight thing. I didn’t wake up the next day fully believing I was the hottest, most beautiful person ever to grace this earth. However, I did start telling myself that and acting like it every single day. I’m not sure what the relationship between honesty and delusion is like, but I will be honest with you: if you tell yourself anything, you can make it your reality. Now, by no means does that mean finding myself beautiful or you finding yourself attractive isn’t genuine or truthful. It’s just that these beauty standards are so deeply ingrained into us, especially for women and girls, that we think that’s the truth, but it isn’t. By focusing on ourselves and telling ourselves that we are hot, gorgeous, and beautiful every day, we’re rejecting a perspective that was put on us and choosing the truth that there are so many ways to be beautiful and our ways and our beauty count. So, what exactly did this look like? When I would get ready in the morning, I would look at myself in the mirror and pay attention to the parts of myself that I liked. For example, I really like how dark my eyes are because they go well with my dark hair. It was sometimes uncomfortable to look at myself. Still, it was a way for me to appreciate myself because I had to reconcile the relationship between the external and the internal. I can’t tell myself I am gorgeous, stunning, beautiful, and amazing without physically seeing it. For some people, that is a hard thing to do, a hard point to get comfortable with, so I recommend just saying affirmations to yourself. Say these affirmations out loud, and tell yourself how beautiful, hot, amazing, intelligent, and kind you are. Whether it be in the mirror, for those who are comfortable, while you’re walking or driving, speak it out loud, and remind yourself of all the best parts of yourself because you deserve to hear that. You deserve to feel beautiful in whatever you wear and do. You deserve to be the hottest person in every room you grace with your presence.
Just between us, I am a little extreme at times. If you’ve noticed, I have used quite a few adjectives when talking about myself and my beauty. Even this article is titled “The Hottest Alive,” and I hope you’re asking, “Why?”. It’s because I want to make myself my own beauty standard, making me the hottest person alive. Going to this “extreme” helps me build an abundance of self-love and confidence. I’ve also noticed that when I go through hardships and rough times, I have a stronger sense of “I’m going to be okay.” I have worked to establish this base-level understanding that I’m that girl, and I am the moment. Simply because I am that girl, and so are you! I know how smart I am, how hard I work, and how amazing I look, so what is the point in denying it? Similarly, you’re beautiful, kind, hardworking, and clearly have great taste in articles. There’s no reason to deny what a gift you are to this world because it is the truth, and you deserve to both know and believe that.
I hope you also see yourself as the hottest alive because you are! We all are! Beauty is everywhere and inside all of us, and we all deserve to feel beautiful, hot, gorgeous, and unforgettable. I absolutely beg you to make yourself your own beauty standard. I promise it will make you feel even half as strong and amazing as you actually are. I am also once again begging, screw those stupid Eurocentric beauty standards. Screw those voices and people and standards that told you there was something wrong with how you looked because they weren’t White features. Screw those experiences that made you feel like you weren’t as beautiful as White girls and women. Screw all those moments that made you feel like you weren’t the most beautiful person on this earth because you are! When we see ourselves as beautiful, we give the finger to those beauty standards that made many of us feel horrible throughout our lives. When we see ourselves as beautiful, we can spread that to our families, friends, and potentially those who come after us.
The core element of this process of making myself my own beauty standard is gratitude. I am grateful every single day that I am the person I am while also en route to becoming exactly who I am meant to be. I’m grateful I have this face, complexion, and body because it is entirely mine and beautiful. I’m grateful that I found the strength to work on myself, which brought me to the point of writing this article for you. I implore you to practice gratitude because you deserve all the praise and thanks in the world, from inside sources and outside ones, too. I hope you can find appreciation for the growth you’ve experienced and begin or continue to love yourself and your appearance, despite what was forced onto us as we grew up, and currently, there is no one way to be beautiful. By making yourself the beauty standard, you start taking back some of the time your younger self felt less than you and finally telling them how beautiful they are and making sure both current and younger you know that. Since this new relationship between us is built on honesty, let me tell you one more thing: you are the hottest alive, and you better know it!
What is a Woman of Colour (WOC)? Who qualifies as a WOC? Questions paralleling these are observed as the focus of discussion within a variety of fields, ranging from academia to politics. A basic definition of a woman of colour would be: a female person of colour. Simple, right? Not necessarily— this question leads to another: what is a person of colour? By the same logic used to define a woman of colour, a person of colour would be described as any individual who is not considered “white.” This simplistic definition of a woman of colour seems to stem from a sequential analysis, however, this does not seem sufficient to answer our leading questions. To truly develop a well rounded definition of a woman of colour we must consider its origins.
The term “women of colour” originated from a late-seventies campaign to end violence against all women (wocninc.org). This term was coined to unify all women experiencing a multiplicity of marginalization with an emphasis on race and ethnicity. The political roots of this term are crucial, as they emphasize the significance of analyzing women through an intersectional lens. The oppression that women of colour have endured in the past is an element that should be considered when defining a WOC. Norms molded in the past stand to this day. Recognition of normalization is the first step to deconstructing barriers between sexes and races.
Race is often seen as a binary of “white” and “black.” This limited view excludes a variety of ethnicities from representation. Some ethnicities that are often overlooked include Latinx, Asian, and Indigenous women among other groups. Hence, we should define a woman of colour as any woman who faces life through the secondary pressure of race as a marginalized denomination.
A key aspect when defining a WOC is self-identification— whether or not a woman herself believes that she qualifies as both a woman and a person of colour. Considering how the term came about through political power struggles is essential when curating a definition in order to highlight the preexisting conditions of inequality. Given this analysis, it seems appropriate to define a woman of color as “a self-identifying woman who experiences marginalization at the intersection of race and gender.”
Understanding the definition of a WOC is important for individuals in an ongoing process of self-identification and self-discovery. Defining a WOC leads to the question: what does WOC mean to you?
Feel free to submit to our blog through the following portal:
When thinking about women of colour role models who have inspired me, a number of amazing women come to mind, the first being my mother. A common conversation between my friends and I is our relationships with our mothers. When considering both, the good and bad, I think a general consensus is that our moms are one of the first people to impact us, especially on our journey as women.
My mom was born and raised in Durban, South Africa during apartheid. As such, she grew up in a racially segregated community. After talking to her about what her life was like for many school projects growing up, I can only understand a small fraction of what her lived experience was. Living in apartheid she has expressed that the feeling of being inferior to the white population was ingrained into her. Comparatively, living up in Toronto she surrounded me with people of all different backgrounds and ethnicities. For me personally, I think growing up in a multicultural and diverse city made me appreciate my own background more.
These feelings of inferiority are something she never wanted for my brother and I. Even though we were born after the apartheid had ended, there were still and probably still are residual racist behaviours present in South Africa that she did not want us raised in. As a result, she and my father picked up their lives and moved thousands of kilometres across the world to start a life in Canada. They moved away from all of their family and everything they had ever known, uprooting their lives for better opportunities for us. I think only as I have gotten older and moved away from home myself, have I realized how hard it must have been to do so. This courage and strength is only something I can only aspire to achieve.
My mom has helped me with many things growing up, among them how to read, write, bake, do my hair and finish my chemistry homework. However, one of the most important among them is how to love and appreciate myself. She is constantly assuring me of my self-worth, praising me for my accomplishments and teaching me how to pick myself up when I feel down. There have been countless times over the past few years I have called her crying after not doing well on an assessment and without fail every time she reminds me of my intelligence and worth. She has blessed me with the most amazing opportunities. As women of colour we share similar experiences and her wisdom has helped me become the person I am today. She has shown me through example, how to be a strong, smart and fearless woman, and I am so grateful to have her not only as my mother but also as my role model.
“They aren’t going to change. I’d be wasting my breath.”
As an outspoken woman of colour I understand this sentiment well. As much as I want to be optimistic, as much as I want to believe everyone is capable of change, that we can take everyone with us on our path to liberation, I know this is not reality. We can’t exactly drag people kicking and screaming for this particular process. People will insist upon their habits, their biases, beliefs, their hate. You can do your best to replace the fun-house mirror reflection they’ve constructed to hold up to themselves and the world to a more honest one, but sometimes, it isn’t enough. And in this role of activist, it’s important to know where to direct your energy. People get better at knowing who is beyond enlightenment and who just needs more time and direction as they have more and more of these conversations. But, that isn’t an excuse not to try when it’s difficult.
“Oh yeah my family is kinda racist…”
What does that have to do with me? Are you warning me? Are they coming here for me? I have had so many white people readily announce to me the racism prevalent in their family whether immediate or extended. Not to have a conversation about how to reach those of another generation, but just to… mention it. It’s like mentioning it, mentioning that it is their family with a tone of displeasure is enough to let me know they aren’t racist. Like they expect me or want me to assume that they are in fact, progressive, antiracist, that they did the work of overcoming their environment and now they’re for BIPOC liberation. The fact they’re able to recognize grandpa’s rants on how Arabs are a threat to Canadians are based in racism and not reality should be enough to prove all that.
“Oh. Have you tried to talk to them about it at all?”
Refer back to one. And when I prompt them further, I normally find they have not tried to engage. This white person is unwilling to engage in anything that has the potential to result in a headache to help BIPOC out. That means they are probably unwilling to do much to actually be antiracist. The desire to avoid discomfort is greater than the desire to create change, particularly when they have no personal stake. Time and again, people have proven that bias is not something that exists benignly isolated in a person’s mind, but it informs the way they live, their actions, and when all systems are in your favor and against those you hold bias against, you likely contribute greatly to that groups experience. When people are unwilling to have difficult conversations with their loved ones, to recognize that this place of love can be a primed starting point for changing someone’s mind, and do not take this opportunity, BIPOC suffer. White people can choose to disengage, choose to not have this conversation or confront a family member’s racism precisely due to their whiteness. They don’t have to deal with the tail end, the consequences of this person’s actions. But that doesn’t mean BIPOC don’t either. I am often left to wonder if they have even thought that far ahead, if they have considered the impact, the damage their family member could be doing to a community with which they claim to have solidarity. Oftentimes, there seems to be a disconnect between their family’s beliefs and the impact of those beliefs. This is what it means to passively allow violence.
White people pick and choose when to engage in allyship. In refusing to even attempt to engage in these conversations, they pick what causes are worth the headache, and position themselves as experts on who has the capacity to change and who cannot, when they often have engaged in very few conversations of this sort with people who disagree.
I’m not saying get into a screaming match with your stubborn relative. But don’t pretend you’d ride or die for the cause, for your fellow people, when you won’t take risks out of untested assumptions and aversions to discomfort. If you’re going to pick the easy option, don’t pick up the label of “ally.”
As a woman of colour, I continue to learn more about myself and grow every single day. That being said, I would like to say that my experiences have opened my eyes to things I wish I was told or learned when I was younger, so here are some things I wish younger me knew about the me today.
I would tell younger me to not be afraid of being too whitewashed to be friends with other women of colour. As a child, I found that I would fear rejection or humiliation from other women of colour for not being as in tune with my culture as others, thus I tended to avoid the women that were. Little did I know that as soon as I opened that door for myself after starting to develop self-acceptance and reject this hatred ingrained in my mind, that I would meet some of my best friends and make the most amazing memories.
Something else younger me would have appreciated knowing is that fairer does not equate to prettier. I was constantly trying to find the next best product to make myself fairer, when I could have put that energy into loving the colour I am and other things about myself. I wish she knew that older her has shifted that focus onto other bigger and better things for herself.
Looking back, another thing younger me would love to know is that I finally know what I think is a significant amount of conversational Tamil. I wish younger me could know that starting to explore your culture is not something to be shy or afraid of, at any point in time. It just takes the right people to motivate you and a certain level of self-confidence. And in case younger me was wondering, yes, our mother will eventually let you get your nose pierced, just you wait.
A final piece of advice I wish younger me knew is how much better things get with time and as you change the environment with which you choose to surround yourself. You will meet new people, try new things and grow out of that bubble of self-hate of who you are and trust me, it all gets better.
Beauty standards are constantly evolving with the times but one thing remains true; they have never incorporated the ethnic traits or tones of women of colour. This fact impacts women of colour immensely regardless of age. Growing up, I got the most comments on two things; my hair and my skin tone. Apparently, my curls and darker complexion were not what was considered ideal and I was constantly being berated with comments on whether I sat in the sun too long, if I brushed my hair, if I had tried bleaching creams or, my personal favorite, if I’m simply dirty and have fair toned skin underneath all the dirt. And these comments are not exclusive to any group of people; I was hearing this from friends, teachers, family, and others. I remember when a relative of mine returned to Toronto after going on a trip to Sri Lanka with souvenirs and gifts for my siblings and me, which was mighty exciting. I recall the stomach-dropping feeling when she gave 10-year-old me bottles of skin bleach, which they sell in South Asian countries in stores the same way you’d find candy at the front of any convenience store. Of course, this type of mentality put me in a toxic cycle of never thinking that I was enough which carried over to my views on relationships. My complexion would never be fair enough, my hair will never be straight enough, my makeup would never be good enough. Relationship-wise, there is always this thought in the back of my mind that people either believed I was too dark or they were trying to live out some weird brown girl fetish. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been told I’m “pretty for a brown girl,” I would be giving Jeff Bezos a run for his money.
The only way to escape this self-hating pattern is to understand this question – who defines what is enough? Who wrote this list of dos and don’ts for women, especially women of colour, to abide by in order to conform to a Eurocentric society? Once you realize that you define what is enough for yourself and not others, life gets a hell of a lot easier. And of course, this is a lot easier to say than to do and is something I try to keep in mind throughout my day, but every day gets a little easier. I find that now that I am more accepting of my current self than past me was, I find traits I used to deem as ugly or unfitting to be things that make me unique. I may never look like your average Barbie doll, but I am unapologetically myself and proud of what I represent and put out into the world.
Rita Wong is an Associate Professor in Critical and Cultural Studies at Emily Carr University of Art and Design. She investigates the relationships between contemporary poetics, water justice, ecology, and decolonization. https://www.connect.ecuad.ca/people/profile/14259
Rita Wong: RW Yiyi He: YH
YH:
1. In undercurrent, there are many allusions to Taoism, which I think have not been paid enough attention to by readers or critics. For instance, you mention “broken lines get parsed back into a cycle” (undercurrent 13); you also directly mention I-Ching (57) and even start the very first line of the anthology by saying that there is a water syntax you are still learning (9). There is the “fluid wisdom” (14) you want to invoke or “the flow of tao” (87) you refer back to at the very end. Does this “syntax” or wisdom have something to do with Taoism? If it does, what is such “water syntax” about specifically? How will these Taoist principles or rules shed light on issues of water governance or help to tackle water issues that are more and more pressing these days?
RW:
Respect for the flow of water; learning from the water by watching it, listening to it, and spending time with it is so important (to not take it for granted, to recognize the gift of life it offers us, to be grateful for what the water teaches us). Yes, I think it does have to do with Taoism in the sense of attending to the flow of energy, the dynamics of nature, the larger flows of energy that we are part of and can work with (rather than against). Many years ago, while I was an undergrad at the U of C, I wrote an essay about the aspects of Taoism that can be found in the romantic poetry of William Wordsworth. I don’t make a big deal about it but I believe there are cross-cultural ways to connect with and learn from Taoism.
YH:
2. You seem to be more engaged with environmental “activism” as a land and water protector than with environmental humanities as a poet-scholar nowadays. Your most recent Current, Climate is a compilation of your previous works on water, which I think is great especially for new readers to get to know your writing. I find it interesting that your poetic lines sometimes foresee/foretell the future and turn into the present. Do you feel the same? Can a poet be a prophet, to some extent? Do you still have faith in creative works to fight for climate justice or to slow climate change?
RW:
I don’t know if a poet can be a prophet. I hope so. It’s not up to me, actually. This question reminds me that there is one poem in undercurrent that I probably should have included in Current, Climate: “epilogue: letter sent back in time from 2115.” That’s a future I work towards. Whether it happens or not remains to be seen. Regardless of outcome, it’s important to do whatever’s needed to achieve climate justice. That includes creative works, and also much more than that is needed too.
YH:
3. In your poems, you often insert Chinese characters, which sometimes may lead to good “misreading” or “misinterpretation” from readers who cannot read Chinese. Is this act of including texts in Chinese spontaneous for you? Is it to give credit to your culture or to create the literary effect of defamiliarization, as most of your readers are from the English world. For instance, during one interview with Fazeela Jiwa, she mentions that she has read the Chinese characters 一，二，三(referring to numbers, one, two, three) as aesthetic choices about equations, while literary critic Sonnet L’Abbéor reads them as “i” turned on their sides in an article in Canadian Literature. To be exact, you are of Cantonese descent, which I feel privileged to share as a fond reader of yours. Do you think that being able to know or speak your mother-tongue has made you different from other writers with similar backgrounds (i.e., Larissa Lai) in terms of your thinking and writing?
RW:
I insert Chinese to refuse complete annihilation of my mother tongue, which colonial education systems lean towards. I’m grateful to stay connected to my ancestral languages, even if it’s just in small, simple ways. There’s much more there that could be done, and poets like Leung Ping-kwan encourage me in their ability to move between Chinese and English.
YH:
4. Speaking of cultural backgrounds, as a diasporic writer, how has your positionality influenced your writing in general, and water poetics and politics in particular? In your debut poem anthology, monkey puzzle, you have recorded your trip back to China, visiting the Three Gorges Dams. Is China an imagined motherland which was quite distant- I think at least physically- for you at the beginning? If I am not mistaken, has that impression changed after your visit? Meanwhile, in sybil unrest, your poetic collaboration with Lai, and many other occasions, you mention you are “uninvited guests on unceded territories” (123) on Turtle Island. In your situation as a Chinese Canadian (un)settler facing two nations-Canada and China, would you feel both intimate and distant at the same time? If you agree, how has this “tension” or “distance” between land and humans affected your creative writing and environmental activism?
RW:
The poet Fiona Lam has a book called Intimate Distances, which your question reminds me of. I think part of my work is to learn to be a good relative to the Indigenous peoples wherever I happen to live, be that Treaty 7 territory (Calgary) or Unceded Coast Salish lands (Vancouver). It will take many generations to heal the damage that has been done, and this is work that is far larger than my humble life, but I will contribute whatever I can to this larger journey to respect and care for the land that gives us life.
YH:
5. Can you share a bit why and how you begin your journey (about writing and beyond) with water and allying with Indigenous Peoples?
RW:
I’ve discussed some of this here: https://thecapilanoreview.com/44-rita–wong-is-downstream/ (my response to Dorothy Christian and Denise Nadeau’s invitation to Protect Our Sacred Waters is how I started with the watery journey).
YH:
6. You seem to love to play with the English language, i.e., avoiding capitalization, commas, etc. in your composition. You refer to English as the colonial or master language. Besides challenging the English syntax or grammars, etc., what actions can we take to unsettle the hegemonic system(s) in today’s world, as a reader, a writer or just as a human being?
RW:
We can practice paying attention to the land and climate around us, and the Indigenous peoples of these lands, wherever we happen to be. Build better relationships than colonization would have permitted. Show up when people ask for help, if you can. But keep in mind Lilla Watson’s words too:
“If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time, but if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together” (Waston, qtd. in beholden 139)
Everyone is born with different gifts and skills. If we’re lucky, we get to develop them and share them. Whatever you do, try to come from a place of love, respect, and listening to learn.
YH:
Thank you very much for your insights and kindness.
You’ve always been beautiful. Beautiful when you’ve cried over your hair, your nose, your height, your stomach. You’ve always treated yourself too harshly. Too harsh about school, the future, your decisions. You’ve always been too accepting. Too accepting of others’ actions, of adult responsibilities, all the things you were too young for. I still am all of these things, but I know it doesn’t hurt me anymore the way it hurts you. I wish I had the cheat code for you to get through what’s weighing you down, but ultimately all that helped was time. Time to persevere, overcome, and heal, and you did every single time. You adapted and overcame all on your own, but there’s so much I want to tell you.
Inside and out, you’re the most beautiful soul even when you don’t feel like it. Your features come from generations of Black women who want you to succeed, who love you despite never meeting you. Your physical being is connected to the culture and family we have always wondered about. Your beauty is a marker of all those that came before you and an inspiration for those beautiful women who will come after you. So despite not complying with the beauty standards around you, never having brilliant blue eyes or light straight hair, you are physically magnificent. You’re going to fight with yourself over how you look, I still do, but we will eventually love the way we look with no exceptions ever. We will still struggle to eat some days or look at ourselves without wanting to pick and criticize, but we will recover with time.
If I could ask anything of you, it’d be that you’re kinder to yourself. Ever since you were young, too young to understand, you’ve been fighting off stereotypes, overworking yourself. To this day, it still kills me that I have to show how smart I am to be worthy of respect, but it was too early for you to fight this battle. You deserve to be young and ignorant, but you were too bright. You noticed how surprised they were when you spoke or read so well, but never that surprised when your white friends did those same things. You saw how people looked at you with that beautiful curly hair in stores like you’re a thug, an eight-year-old threat. So aware, and I wish you weren’t at times because you deserved peace, to be a kid. You just knew how they looked at you but never understood why. Please just be kind to yourself, you can’t change everyone around you, but you can do what makes you happy. You can be young, happy, and careful, but still, be a kid. I hope you don’t take it as personally as I did, that there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. There is nothing wrong with you. You were too sweet, too good; it was everyone else’s assumptions of what you should be. All I ask is that you do what makes you happy, pay no mind to those assumptions and just live for you. I can promise you’ll eventually understand and start to live for yourself and your happiness.
As I think about you, I realize that finding our place in this world made us too accepting of conditions we shouldn’t have been. You’ll experience more times where you’re too kind to the ones who will never respect you. It won’t be until you’re my age that you realize that and improve, wanting to protect the younger versions of us. You’ll take care of those around you so much that you give up parts of yourself in hopes of finding your place. Even now, I still sacrifice myself for others, for that sense of belonging. It’s a belonging that we’ve missed, from not fitting in with white or Black crowds and not knowing anyone else like us. I wish I could tell you that this desire to belong will disappear, but I’m not that far along. Right now, I’m finding my footing. I’ve met our forever friends, and I know I’ll meet more. I’m starting to find people we can relate to, which we need, those who can share what we’ve lived through, and it’ll bring us both comfort. For now, I hope that you can just get through it. I hope that you can exist in spaces that aren’t the best for you until you get to my age. Once you’re here, you’ll feel so much better, and it’ll be the start of the life we’ve always wanted.
Nineteen isn’t the ideal age to impart wisdom, but I want to write to you often. I want to let you know that it’s all going to work out, even when it feels like it never will. At nineteen, I’m still learning and growing, fighting for my place and making myself happy. Time will go on, and we’ll get older and wiser and look out for each other. I’ll tell you that every triumph, heartbreak, and adventure was worth it regardless of the outcome. Please be good to yourself because I love you endlessly and want nothing but happiness for you. I promise I’ll keep writing to you, giving you the love and wisdom you need in those hard times. Those times when it feels like the future is so questionable, too unpredictable to go forward, I’ll be there for you. No one will ever love us like the versions of ourselves. We’ve got each other forever.
To wrap up the first month of QWOCC’s book club, I thought I would share a few of my own thoughts on “A Good Wife” by Samra Zafar & Meg Masters.
What do you think motivated the author to share her story?
I believe there could be many reasons behind the author’s decision to share her story. Part of her underlying motivation may have been founded on the recognition that sharing her personal experience with domestic violence could serve as the needed inspiration for other women, facing similar circumstances, to leave their abusive relationships. Moreover, considering the social stigmatization of domestic violence has often caused survivors to associate their experiences with “shame”, taking ownership of one’s own story could serve as an empowering act of reclamation. Overall, it is important to recognize the courage and strength it took for the author to come forward and share this personal novel, especially when considering the topic of domestic violence is often addressed “behind closed doors” within many South Asian cultures.
Over the past few years, many culture commentators have suggested we are witnessing a “memoir explosion”. Why do you think this genre has become so popular, for both readers & writers?
I believe the recent “memoir explosion” is understandable when considering this genre was the foundation from which storytelling was created. Sharing stories of personal experiences was employed by many early cultures as a reliable method of knowledge transmission across generations. Moreover, we must recognize the realm of literature has also been subject to colonization and continually prioritizes stories from a euro-centric narrative. The memoir genre can serve as a meaningful avenue through which we can not only encourage BIPOC authorship, but also readily incorporate their experiences and insights into everyday literature.
What was your biggest takeaway from hearing this story?
Overall, I believe my biggest takeaway from Samra’s story is how resilient women are. As a member of the South Asian community myself, I recognize the general reaction to domestic violence is none at all. Many women remain in their relationships in fear of evoking dishonor on their families or how disrupting the family structure may affect their children, amongst other factors. I know within my own community; this exists not just as an unspoken rule. Rather, there were many scenes from early Tamil films that normalized behaviors I can now recognize as forms of abuse as well as responses of complacency. Within the Tamil community, this exists not just as an “unspoken rule”; there were many scenes from early Tamil films that normalized behaviors I can now recognize as forms of abuse. Thus, Samra’s novel is inherently powerful as it adds into cultural dialogue the story of a South Asian woman breaking free from this cycle and pursuing a path towards freedom, happiness, and self-ownership!
I hope everyone enjoyed this book as much as I did and feel free to share any thoughts in the comments below.
QWOCC 